Jack and the Beanstalk - Revisited

Last week, I had my kids read Jack and the Beanstalk. My plan was to do a few lessons surrounding the story. We would read it one day, retell certain parts from memory another day, and then finally act it all out. I'd even planned out which kid would be the giant.

However, after the first day, my kids didn't seem too impressed with Jack, his magic beans, and the hijinx that ensue. After I thought about the story again, it made me consider what Jack and the Beanstalk was really teaching them.

Basically, the two story has two lessons. First, an irresponsible decision, such as trading your only viable source of income for something that is so worthless that the word "magic" has to be placed in front of it, will actually work out for the best (but only after a near death experience). Second, stealing is completely fine.

Let's consider it. The story opens with Jack taking his mother's last cow to the market. Along the way, he encounters a sketchy guy who offers up magic beans in exchange for the cow. Young, naive, and probably just wanted to get rid of the creeper, Jack agrees. He then brings said beans home to his mother, who is rightfully pissed off - so much so that she chucks the beans out the window. The next day, the beans have sprouted into a beanstalk. Jack, being the kind of genius who swaps livestock for over sized seeds, climbs this botanical wonder all the way up to the clouds.

Forgoing any discussion of what kind of mother just lets her kid - the same kid who just the day before proved his idiocy - climb plants that defy all scientific knowledge, I think what bothers me most is everything that happens after Jack makes it up the beanstalk.

Once up in one of Cloud City's sister outposts, he spies a giant castle. Ignoring the obvious warning signs from literature that giant castles are never good (check out what happens when one encounters C.S. Lewis's Gentle Giants), Jack decides breaking and entering is his best course of action.

Inside, everything is huge and made of gold. After some snooping, he eventually finds a goose that lays golden eggs (which, can I just point out, thank God he found this first and not the giant, fungus-filled nail clippers or the huge, golden nose hair trimmer that was surely laying around somewhere). Some recollections of the story say that Jack makes multiple trips to the castle, but for the purposes of this blog, he only goes once.

Fast forward to the giant actually getting home. Consider this poor guy's position; it's obviously he's mentally ill for two reasons. First, he repeats the same line of gibberish before everything he says. It's like very predictable tourettes. Second, he states that "be he live or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread." As he thinks that human bones are a key ingredient in bread, this claim gives us great insight into the severity of the giant's mental condition. Clearly, this is a man who was destined for hardship, save for one thing: his prized possession, a goose that shits gold.


And what does Jack do? He steals it. Sure, there's some inference that Jack and his mom are really hard up, but it still doesn't give him any right to walk into a stranger's house, pick out the most valuable thing, and run off with it.

The poor giant, who just got back home and is probably exhausted from his daily cloud-dwelling activities, takes off in pursuit. The two race down the beanstalk and despite his inferior size and therefore inferior speed, Jack makes it down first. The beanstalk is then chopped down with the giant still on it. As he falls to his death, the last thing the giant probably heard were the cries of celebration coming from Jack and his mother who, with their new wealth crapping bird, will never have to worry about money again.   


In short, this story is full of problems. Acquiring magic beans from creepers will not work out for the best. Most often, such beans will either be ecstasy tablets, bits of hash, or just your everyday, run-of-the-mill, nonmagic beans. In addition, climbing giant plants that weren't there the day before is not only unsafe, but is unlikely to lead to giant castles filled with gold. However, if there is a giant castle, there will also be a giant. Unless he's blowing dreams into children's windows with a little girl sitting in his ear, chances are good he won't be friendly. Whatever happens, however, one should not steal his most prized possession and then kill him for trying to get it back.

In retrospect, reading this story to the same kids I chastise for stealing each others' pencils wasn't a great idea. Maybe we'll just read Goldilocks and the Three Bears next week.

Shit. Or not.